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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27883209">all the things i couldn't say.</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/cloudyskyzz/pseuds/cloudyskyzz'>cloudyskyzz</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Author Is Sleep Deprived, BAMF Castiel (Supernatural), Bisexual Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester Has Abandonment Issues, Dean Winchester Has Trust Issues, Dean Winchester in Heaven, Domestic Fluff, Episode Fix-It: s15e20 Carry On, F/M, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Slow To Update, Tooth-Rotting Fluff</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 09:26:46</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,311</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27883209</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/cloudyskyzz/pseuds/cloudyskyzz</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"there were so many things i should've said, cas. im sorry."</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Castiel/Dean Winchester, Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Preface</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I'm just posting this as a quick preface before we get started! This is my first time posting on AO3, so please forgive me if things are a little messy, I'm learning as I go. I'm also probably gonna be slow updating this, but I'll try my best. Please leave me any advice or criticism in the comments (good or bad, I need it) First chap should be up tomorrow</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. i need you</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>dean winchester is finally in heaven, but things have changed.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Dean peels his eyes open as the sun beats down on his face. He's in front of the roadhouse. and seated on the porch is..." Bobby? What memory is this?", Bobby chuckles. "This ain't a memory idjit, things have changed 'round here." Dean crosses the short distance to seat himself next to Bobby. "Well, I thought they had you in lock-up?". They talk, but Dean doesn't pay much attention after Bobby mentions Castiel. "Cas is back?". Dean had done everything in his power not to think about Castiel while he was still alive, it hurt too much. And the thing is, Dean has loved Cas for the longest time, he couldn't remember a time when he hadn't. But he convinced himself that Cas couldn't feel that way about him, it was impossible. He hated himself for being so blind. All this time Cas had loved him too. All the time they could've had together, was lost. And Cas didn't even know how he felt. “Yep, what are you gonna do now?” Bobby looked sympathetic. Dean thinks for a moment, and he feels a sudden weight in his hand. Car keys. “I’m gonna go for a drive.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Dean has no particular destination in mind as he climbs into the Impala. He needs to clear his head and figure out his next course of action. So he drives. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Dean has no clue how long he’s been driving for, he remembers Bobby saying something about time working differently up here. Finally, the road turns from asphalt to dirt, and he leaves the trees behind as he pulls up to a beach. He sits for a moment, stunned, before turning off the Impala and getting out. Something was telling him he should be here, but he doesn’t know what. As Dean walks down towards the beach, it’s eerily silent, being that the only thing he can hear is the crashing of the waves.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Dean’s never really spent this much time alone, he’s always been around others, his Dad or Sam. The last time he’d been alone this long was nineteen years ago when Sam took off for college, and John left him behind to hunt on his own. Someone’s always been there. And he’s never wanted to hear Sam’s voice or see Cas’s face more in his “life”. But he keeps walking because for some reason he needs to get down to that beach, and he swears the distance left between him and the beach has tripled. He pushes on.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Dean thinks about what he will say to Cas when he somehow finds him. Should he just tell him straight up? Or ease into it? Maybe Cas won’t even talk to him. Dean hopes the latter isn’t the case. The distance between him and the beach becomes smaller.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Then, Dean starts to think about Sam. He hopes he’s doing well without him, it must have been a while since he left. He and Eileen better have settled down and had lots of Sam Jr.’s. Sam would be ok, Dean knew it. And then, after what felt like years, Dean finally had sand under his feet. The silence is broken by the sound of a bark. Dean whips around towards the source of the noise, to see a small golden form sprinting down the beach towards him. “Miracle! Hey buddy!” Dean bends down as Miracle approaches to allow him to leap into his arms.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Miracle’s tail wags violently as he lets out a series of barks the Dean chooses to interpret as “I missed you.” Miracle stubbornly curls up in Dean’s lap, probably because he doesn’t want Dean to disappear again, and his heart pangs at the thought. So that’s how they sit for the longest time, Miracle curled up on Dean’s lap, while the latter pets him and talks in a whisper, because he’s glad that he’s not alone anymore.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>For a while, the two are alone, but sometime later, Dean can hear a set of footsteps approaching. But he doesn’t need to look to know who it is. Miracle breaks free of his grasp to run down the beach towards the figure, and Dean stands up and turns towards the approaching figure. “Heya Sammy.” “Dean! Hey!” Sam smiles, then pulls him into a bone-crushing hug. Miracle runs circles around them, barking happily. “I just talked to Bobby, he told me about everything that’s changed up here because of Jack, and how Cas helped. Have you talked to Cas yet Dean?.” Dean shakes his hand and Sam sighs. “Sam, there is a lot of things that happened that day that I haven’t told you about, and maybe I should.” Sam looks confused “What happened Dean?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span> (two am author interlude, i legitimately cannot write this part so, dean tells sam everything that happened in the bunker in 15x18 yadda yadda you get the point)</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Do you love him too Dean?”,”Yeah, I do” Sam shakes his head while grinning, ”Then go find him then! Don’t wait any longer!” Dean spots someone approaching from over Sam’s shoulder. “Hey, Sam? I think that’s Eileen over there.” Sam’s smile brightens, “Go to him, Dean! I mean it. We’ll be here.” With that, Sam turns to head towards Eileen. Dean chuckles as he leaves the beach to head for the Impala.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He was going to find Cas.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Alright! Chapter One done! Please tell me what you thought, and you can expect Chapter Two sometime next week! (Lots of Castiel in the next chapter I swear)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. i love you.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>"I heard your prayer."</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Heya! So I think the chapter summary is already giving you a good idea of what's about to happen (wink wink), so I won't keep you any longer. Get going!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Cas? Man, I hope you got your ears on, because I don’t know what else to do here” Dean exhales slowly, racking his brain for the right words to say. But he doesn’t find any. It’s just Cas, he reminds himself, this shouldn’t be that hard, right? “I’m sorry Cas, I-” Dean chokes up and struggles to regain composure. “I just stood there like an idiot when you were saying all that stuff. And I know you meant it but you got one thing wrong, you already have me Cas, goddammit, I’m yours. Just come find me please, if you are even hearing this because I need to see you. Please.” Dean exhales again, but it sounds more like a strangled sob than a breath, and he realizes he’s been holding back tears. He drops his head to rest it against the steering wheel of the Impala and brings his hands up to grip it, his knuckles white. He was trying to keep himself tethered to reality, to keep his mind from wandering to the worst possible scenarios, but he can’t help it. But he doesn’t have long to think about it because- “Hello Dean.”</p>
<p>There he is. Trench-coat and all. Dean blinks up at him, he thinks he might go into shock. “I heard you Dean” Castiel stares at Dean for a moment, his face unreadable, but his eyes told all. Cas takes Dean’s hand into his, and they stay just like that, for what Dean felt was years, but was in reality only 10 minutes. For 10 minutes they sat in complete silence, hands intertwined as they studied each other's faces, remembering, soaking it all back in. The years of longing gazes and stolen moments are hard to forget, and it is easy to remember how foolish they both were. Suffering in silence because they believed they never could be loved. They lost so much time, but they were okay with that. Because they are together now, living in the moment.</p>
<p>“I love you too.” Dean can see Castiel’s demeanour change, and for a moment, terrified Dean, making him think that he said the wrong thing. But then, Cas pulls him into a hug, at least the best he can in the cramped front seat of the Impala, but they don’t care, because all they feel is each other. “I’m sorry Dean.” this confuses Dean because Cas has nothing to be sorry for and if anyone should be apologizing, it should be him, but he presses, “Sorry for what Cas?” Castiel pulls away for a moment, and Castiel's concerned eyes meet his and Dean feels dizzy because he must have done something wrong. “You died Dean.” Oh, that’s right. Dean ridicules himself because he seriously forgot he had died, in a pretty grizzly way too.</p>
<p>Dean had neglected to think about his death since he arrived in Heaven, but this revelation has brought it all crashing down on him. Dean was dead. If you had asked Dean 15 years earlier how he would die, he would've perfectly described his real death except for one difference, he thought he would be alone when it inevitably happened. But that was 15 years ago, and Dean had been ready to have just a bit of normalcy for once in his life. He had a dog and was applying for jobs. And Dean was considering getting his GED and trying to get a college degree. He was getting used to not hunting as much as he used to, which was also something he never thought could happen in his wildest dreams. Dean had his whole life left ahead of him, and it was fucking stolen from him. Ripped right out of his grasp, because even though Chuck didn’t have his powers anymore, he still got the last laugh.</p>
<p>It’s almost like Castiel knew all this already because he doesn’t say anything else, he just grabs Dean's hand. Dean blinks, and suddenly he’s not in the Impala anymore but standing in the living room of a house, his hand still locked in Castiel’s.</p>
<p>The house looked like a mishmash of his childhood home in Lawrence, The Bunker and Bobby’s house. The living room resembled Bobby’s, but the kitchen belonged to the bunker and so forth.</p>
<p>“What’s all this Cas?” Cas gives him a small smile in response. “Your house of course. You need a place to stay. And I tried my best to put something together for you. But I thought you would prefer something familiar.” Well, Castiel was right in that assumption. “I love it Cas, it’s amazing.”</p>
<p>Dean looks around in awe and finds that miraculously not a single item is out of place. Cas must have seen the shocked look on his face because he chuckles and says “Come sit.” Still not letting go of Dean’s hand, Cas leads him towards the couch. The couch is fairly large, but they practically sit on top of each other.  Dean laughs awkwardly at the situation. The time they spent apart may have been short, but it has done a number on the both of them. The pair shuffles around in an attempt to stay comfortable while also staying close.</p>
<p> Finally, they settle on Castiel being pressed up against the arm of the couch, while Dean lays horizontally across it. His head resting on Cas's thigh and his feet dangling over the other side. “I believe you will like the location I picked for the house,” Castiel says suddenly. Dean looks up at him, his eyelids feeling heavy. He didn't know you could get tired in heaven. “Yeah?” Dean murmurs “tell me”.  Castiel begins to rake his fingers through Dean's hair. “Well, the house that Sam and Eileen will eventually live in is right next door, of course.” Dean smiles at that, “And while they spend most of their time at the Roadhouse, Ellen and Jo Harvelle also live nearby, along with Charlie Bradbury.” Dean smiles lazily up at him but says nothing. Instead, he opts to, once more intertwine their fingers. “Who decided we should be able to get tired up here? You or Jack,” Dean says jokingly. “Oh, that was Jack's idea. He thought there should be a sort of adjustment period, where your body functions as normal so that you can get used to being up here. I can remove the effect if you like, but most opt to keep it.” Cas moves from playing with Dean's hair to rubbing small circles on his back. Dean sits up so he can face Cas, their faces are almost touching.</p>
<p>“Oh? Maybe I’ll keep it then.” Dean smiles softly, his eyes meeting Castiel’s. Then they are both leaning forward until their lips meet and they kiss. It’s quick and sweet, only a peck, but Dean’s heart was beating so fast he swore it was going to explode. They lean in a second time and kiss again, and it lasts longer this time. Once they eventually pull away, Dean rests his head on Castiel's shoulder. <span>“You really are tired aren’t you?” Castiel smiles when all he gets as a response is a mumbled “I ain’t tired asshole” Cas laughs, “Ok, well why don’t I show you your bedroom?” Dean sighs “That sounds like a good idea”. Hands still clasped together, the pair stands up and heads towards the small staircase leading up to the second floor of the house.</span></p>
<p>
  <span>The bedroom itself resembles Dean’s bedroom in the bunker, there wasn’t a single difference from what it would have looked like if you walked into its earthly counterpart in Lebanon, Kansas. Dean collapses onto his bed without a second thought. Castile thought he was out like a light as soon as his head hit the pillow, so he turns to leave but is stopped by Dean calling out, “Where do you think you’re going?” Dean pats the bed, “Come on!”. Cas smiles and moves to lay down next to Dean, wrapping his arms around the other man, while the latter tucked his face into the nook of Cas’s neck.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’t leave me.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I won’t leave you.”</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Alrighty! What did you guys think? In next week's chapter, we get some MAJOR plot holes (my bad). And some major Dean and Eileen cuteness! See you next week :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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